Let's Be Real: flaws.

I'm going to be starting a new series on this little blog called Let's Be Real. It will be published every Wednesday, or so I hope. It will cover a wide variety of topics, basically just to get me back into writing regularly!

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Let's Be Real Week 1: flaws.

This post was inspired by another blog I follow. She felt the need to type out all of her flaws because people kept sending her anonymous comments about how she's a fake, a liar, and a hypocrite. I won't link to the blog here because I don't feel like she'd want that, but if you follow any of the same blogs I do you might have seen it.

So here are mine.

• I have zero patience. It's really something I'm trying to work on (getting to the age where people want kids and all that), but it's hard for me! I believe I used to be a patient person (I don't know, you'll have to ask my mom) at one point, but it just went down the drain for one reason or another. I try to remember Ecclesiastes 7:8 when dealing with this: "The end of a matter is better than its beginning, and patience is better than pride."
• I very rarely think before I speak. I've always just labeled myself as "blunt" or that I "say the things everyone else is thinking," but I really don't want to do that. Granted, at times what I say IS called for, but I don't think Jesus would blurt out every little thought that came to his mind, so I need to try not to either! Words can be a double edged sword and I don't want to annihilate everyone with it. 
• This is going to be a hard one to admit, but guess I should put it out there. Since becoming involved in the military lifestyle, I've taken on the mouth of a sailor! Maybe not that bad, but...well, if you ask my husband I DO have a sailor mouth. It got so bad at one point that he made me a swear jar and I had to put in a dollar every time he heard me. That got so bad that I ran out of $1s and started getting change out of his pockets to pay up. It's just really hard when everyone around you swears like crazy, I do admit that. My husband had a problem with this too but now I very rarely hear him murmur anything more than a "crap" or something equally harmless.
• This might not seem like a flaw to you all, but it is to me. I have literally no motivation to exercise. It WILL catch up with me one day so that's basically what keeps me going. I can tough out a Jillian Michaels DVD  a few days a week and walk the dog on a brisk walk every day, but that's it. I always feel like I can do more and that I NEED to do more. I just don't like working out alone or in a new place where I don't know anyone; that's why I still haven't made my way to the yoga class on base or to the gym.
• I'm very, very critical of how I look. I probably have the lowest self esteem of anyone I know. I'm the kind of person who needs to hear that I look good, or that I'm beautiful, or pretty, constantly or else I lose whatever esteem I had. I critique everything about my body, my teeth, the way my clothes fit, etc. Good thing I don't own a scale because I'd be having an issue with that too (I can honestly say though, I do like my body and I KNOW I'm not heavy or anything). When I don't hear those words every day (my love language is VERY MUCH 'words of affirmation') it brings me down. I'm also very wrapped up in how others see me, which definitely goes along with being critical about myself.

Um, I think that's all I'm going to write for now. I probably have upset someone or whatever. Oh well. Hopefully my mom won't read that part about swearing, she'll have a cow! But if she does: MOM, I AM working on it. I won't swear when you're here.  ;-)

And just because, a makeup free photo from a few days ago. I figured it belonged here :)

the weird things I do when I miss him...

Well, they're not weird to me, and I bet some of you all do things like this too just because it's comforting when your husband is gone.

I swear, if I don't wear his USMC ring every day I feel weird. He gave it to me after boot camp because it ended up not fitting, and now I only take it off at work. Same with the dog tags. Honestly, I used to think it was weird when guys gave their girls a set, but now I don't like it when I don't have them on. I really do feel naked without them (like right now, I have a work party to go to tonight, and I took those and the ring off...but I feel so weird).

I caught myself listening to Eminem (!!!!) this morning while getting ready. I can't stand that kind of music, but hubs loves it (God knows why), so of course I had to listen to it too. The Recovery CD is what we (he) listened to on our whole TN trip so when I hear one of those songs it reminds me of our trip.

His clothes. Mmm. I found a Chicago Bulls shirt of his yesterday and immediately had to put it on. Imagine my excitement when I realized that, after six months, it STILL smells a tiiiiny bit like him. Not to mention the only jackets I wear anymore are either my USMC Wife hoodie or the black US Marines Under Armour jacket. Another one of those 'feels naked without it' kind of things.

Sigh. Hopefully by the New Year we'll have our own place. Webcam chatting is only exciting for so long.

my husband.

Bless his heart.

I don't think I give the poor man enough credit sometimes. He's one of the hardest working guys I know and I think I take that for granted occasionally. He's the one who up and joined the Marine Corps to better our future family, to give me the life I've wanted (stay at home mom) and to challenge himself. I admire him so much for that. While I currently enjoy sleeping nine hours a night, no firewatch, no hardcore PT sessions, home-cooked meals; he's getting to bed late, waking up at 0430, eating at a chow hall three meals a day, no hugs and kisses from his wife who dearly loves him. Sometimes I wonder if being a Marine is everything he thought it would be. Granted, all this schooling crap is tough on both of us; we're always wondering when we'll see each other again. We're both excited to start life with the fleet and have our own house together again.

He's so selfless and has a huge heart. I swear, my brother and B have the biggest hearts out of anyone else I know. Both of them always think of others before themselves, they'll give the last dollars in their wallets to someone who is hungry. My husband mentioned he wanted to bring some guys home from MOS school for Thanksgiving; I said DO IT because nothing breaks my heart more than people who are alone on holidays. B loves my little sister like his own, and watching the two of them together warms my heart. They are so cute together.

He turns 23 in 20 days. I feel like I've known him forever, but it's still only been two and a half short years. Oh, and what an adventure we've had! We've had ups and downs and highs and lows, but we've conquered and we're still here. Now, with a 75% divorce rate among USMC couples, we have more odds to overcome (not to mention our odds are already pretty low since we got married so young). However, THIS is the man I love and I will do anything for him. I can't even describe what he means to me, I just don't know the words to use. I just...love him.

my awesome brother.

My brother graduated Army basic training on Friday. I am so, so proud of him. He has matured so much over the past few months.

(excuse the blurriness...I stole these from his cell phone) :)

He's been my best friend since I can even remember, we have always been attached at the hip and always think of the other one when making plans. We've had our share of staying up too late, playing video games, eating sour candy, watching dumb movies,  making late-night Wal-Mart runs; but they're our favorite memories and things we just enjoy doing together.

I have talked to him so much over this weekend, and I keep ending the phone calls with the same thought: Man, he's awesome. I am so lucky to have him for my brother! He has the biggest heart out of anyone I know, and I mean anyone. He is so compassionate and giving, he's even literally given the shirt off his back to someone who didn't have one.

These past few months have been difficult for me, letting go of him, in a way. He's an adult now, in an adult world, with an adult job and adult friends. However, I still know he is always there for me and will always listen and not judge or tell anyone anything I say, which I really admire.

I've been trying to add some more pics but once again Blogger does not like them. Whyyy does this keep happening?!?

In other news, B is doing well from what I do know. I don't get near as many letters as I used to. I do know he goes through the gas chamber tomorrow, so naturally I'm a little worried. I am sure he'll be alright though; it's just the worrywart in me coming out.

Good night, all. :o)

"After a girl is grown, her little brothers...become her protectors." ~Terri Guillemets

Why I chose not to go to college.

(if i could do my hair like that every day...i totally would)

(all images from http://www.beautyineverything.com/ random search)

In today's world I feel like there is so much pressure on going to college. I have gotten the impression that unless you go to college and get some type of degree, you are not sucessful. Well guess what? I'm apparently an epic failure because I got married really young (and wasn't pregnant, so haha to those who thought I was) and didn't go to college! *gasp* What in the world is wrong with me?!


Nothing.


I never really wanted to go to college. I didn't see the point in going, spending all that money for a degree I never really wanted in the first place. I went attempted the CNA class two times at the community college, but dropped out both times because my heart was not in it at all. The second time I took it was in January, and I was only doing it so my husband and I could have more money and I could work better hours; my heart was never in it at all. And the first time I enrolled...I only did it because I felt extremely pressured and didn't want to feel like a "loser" for not going.


All I have ever really wanted to be was a mom. Plain and simple. A housewife, a mother to lots of little children. I have recently started telling people that when I grow up, I want to be a 50's housewife. (Not to mention I LOVE the 50's clothing style...so I would love if I could dress like that every day...just because) Of course I get strange looks, but who cares! I quit caring what people think a couple years ago when I met B and fell in love with him two days later.


Being a SAHM and wife is a calling in my life that I have felt since I was probably 16 or 17. I want to be the one who is always there for my kids, no matter what. I don't want to send them to other care providers all the time when I'm the one that will always provide the best care and best environment. I want to be there for them 24/7, always available and always ready for whatever comes our way. I don't know whether or not I will homeschool yet, however I do have a husband who is in support of it and it is definitely more of an idea now that we're entering into the military world. We will cross that bridge when we get to it. I just know that I learned way more being homeschooled than I would have being in public school systems, I graduated aaalmost two years early, I was able to work at my own pace (whether that meant doing three lessons of one subject per day, or just taking the day off because I felt like it). I pretty much taught myself all that I know math/English-wise and I'd love for my kids to do the same.


Now, being a housewife? That is obviously the 'job' that will come before motherhood (unless God intervenes...). On one of our first few dates at a coffee shop, B sat down and looked me in the eye and said, "I will do what it takes for you to fulfill your biggest dream, what is it?" and I told him. He told me it may not come in the exact timing that we want it to, but that he will work as hard as he can so I can be who I want to be. Being in the Marines was not the path he was originally going to take to reach this dream, but it's the path we're being led down and we don't dare veer off it now. The days I got to stay at home (only on days where I was totally off work) and clean, cook, and do things for him made me the happiest, and he was happy to. I love making him feel appreciated and seeing his face light up when there's an unexpected chocolate cake on the table. Those are the moments I love and I want a lifetime full of them.


Phew, now that I have all that off my chest. I hope you all don't think I'm a crazy, brainwashed idiot. Because I'm not. I know what I want in life, and God is providing. I shouldn't have to explain myself! I thank God for blessing me with a husband I have taken for granted at times, and I thank Him for letting me have another chance at this 50's housewife job! :)

afterthought: what the heck is up with Blogger and it's crazy spacing issues?!?! i have edited this so many times but all the lines between the paragraphs are seriously killing me!!! {now i think it's fixed...sorry for that rant)

not {our} will, but Yours.

"Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but Yours be done." -Luke 22:42

(disclaimer: religious talk. sorry if it bothers you...but you know what you were getting into when you followed this)

This sudden possible change of plans has got me thinking like crazy lately. It would completely throw a big fat wrench in our lives and mess up everything we had planned for our future and for our (future) kids. B wanted to make something big out of himself, become one of the few and the proud and earn that title. We felt like we were going nowhere in life and that we wouldn't get anywhere anytime soon with the life we were living. The Marines could offer us financial stability, travel opportunites...a new place to start over completely, and that's what we wanted.

However.

One could say B is running from his initial calling; to preach the Gospel and be a minister in our church. We thought God could use him in the Marines and maybe that's still the plan for his life. Or maybe B is running from his calling and God is going to do whatever it takes to get him back to where he needs to be. Which could very well be living paycheck to paycheck, standing in the pulpit occasionally, a handful of chaotic kids only somewhat paying attention to what he's saying, planning events that no one really shows up to...maybe that's what we're supposed to be doing. Or maybe God has something way better in mind like this: B will get discharged from recruit training, he'll realize that the Marines wasn't where he needed to be, and he will get back in church (which is definitely when our marriage and closeness to each other was the strongest) and we will live happily ever after. And maybe start our own radical church (which is what B and I had wanted from the start).

We don't know.

I do know this: I will be happy with whatever happens. After all, it's not our plans that matter, but God's. What he has in store for our lives, I have no idea. And I certainly don't want to be running so far away from it that He has to use drastic force to get us back in position. I will be more than happy if B gets to stay and fulfill his dream, I will be happy if I get a phone call tomorrow saying he's coming home (although I would still be depressed for a few days...). We are in this together, we can make the most of whatever happens.

Oh, and I also know this: We know where not to live if we ever need a cheap apartment again.

~first entry!

This blog is going to be dedicated to one thing and one thing only: for me to write about the adventures of marriage at a young age. I know of a few blogs with similar topics, but they all venture off into other things and it can get confusing. I want this to be an honest, real blog about the ups and downs (hopefully mostly "ups") of young marriage. This blog will be brutally up-front, nothing will be held back.

To everyone 18 & under who is engaged, already married, considering marriage/engagement and to anyone else who happened to stumble across this: Welcome :)