this "no internet" thing...

...I don't like it! It's only been gone a day, but I'm kind of surprised at how much I was doing something on the computer. I've been doing crosswords, organizing stuff, and spending much missed quality time with B since it's been turned off. I guess it's good in a way; I can find other things to occupy my time with instead of pointlessly clicking away on pointless sites that I don't really care about anyway. Had several small breakdowns yesterday. Several actually doesn't even begin to decribe it. I spent most of the day crying my eyes out because every day gets closer to him leaving and I can't accept it yet! I just don't want to. I've seen him every day minus one since I met him and it's going to be so hard to have him gone. While he's gone, however, I have a few things I want to do. Some crazy things I probably wouldn't do if he was here (don't worry, they're all cleared with B so he won't be too shocked when he comes back)...

• 
  
  go skydiving (a birthday present from a coworker)


• 
  
  get s o m e t h i n g pierced, either nose or tragus. Both would be awesome.


• 
  
  Get a bulldog.

That last one is waaay out there for right now, I have to see how the finances are doing while he's away and I won't have my hands on the money he's making. :) I hope to start actually saving for it after my birthday and maybe by Christmas I'll have little Gary the bulldog. (Gary is my brother's nickname...so it would only make sense to name little puppy that!)

Also wanted to say thanks for my few but faithful followers! It really makes me happy to know I have a couple people reading this. I hope that number steadily increases as I put more on here.

Oh, and one more thing! Song Link-Up Week 6! Go to Goodnight Moon to take part in the fun!

That song...yeah. That's pretty much how I've felt the past week or so. Even though I feel better now, it's still my song for the week. So happy tomorrow is Friday! It's my weekend off and I fully intend on relaxing for every bit of it.

on edge.

I. Am. So. Tense.

Maybe that's where all these aches and pains I've never had before have been coming from. Usually at night or late in the afternoon my collarbones, shoulders, and all the way down my arms and sometimes my back just radiates with this dull, achy pain. I don't know why. It's been happening for about two months now.

Oh, my neck. It's hurting too.

This is really annoying.

At first I thought it was my shoes, so I bought some new over-priced ones I thought would do the trick, but to no avail.

I don't know if I should go to a doctor or not (probably won't) but it's just weird because I've never felt this before. However, I have been super tense and stressed about everything lately, mostly with the anticipation and d r e a d of the upcoming departure of my husband.

Question for other mil-spouses: Pre-deployment/pre-anything (in this case, boot camp) does your husband get really irritable and...rude? Today mine said, "I don't care if you come to my graduation, go to your brother's instead if it's that important."

Whaaat? I don't think he really meant that, but they way he said it really, really hurt. Why wouldn't I want to go to his USMC graduation? That made it seem like he didn't want me there. Wouldn't you feel the same way? That's going to be one of the proudest moments of his life thus far and I bet deep down inside he would really be darn upset if I didn't show up. I'm his WIFE.

I hope he didn't mean that. I doubt he did. But the over-thinker in me is (of course) worrying about it.

Back story: My brother graduates from Army boot camp the week before B...I've been told that no, I cannot get off work for that...it's been a big enough deal getting off for B's. I'm almost to the point of this: "Hell with ^&*%ing work, it's my brother and my husband, I am NOT missing either of those graduations!"

My brother and I are so close. So, so close. It kills me to know I probably won't be able to go to his grad, it really does. I'm about to cry thinking about it, actually. If he gets into Airborne school there's graduation for that, but it's not the same.

my brother and I on my wedding day

I just want to quit. But do to unforeseen circumstances, I'm not allowed to. AND IT SUCKS.

I'm about to throw a two-year-old-temper-tantrum about it. I'll stomp my foot and whine and cry and pout and blubber 'til I get my way.

All that is why I'm on edge. Everything is annoying me, I have nightmares about everything, can't sleep good, and I think I'm losing weight. My pants wouldn't stay up today. I don't usually have that problem.

Tell me it gets better?

If you're going through hell, keep going.

"If you're going through hell, keep going." -Winston Churchill

I think I might be right now. Going through hell, that is. They always say that when life hands you lemons, you should make lemonade. My lemons must be rotten because this lemonade isn't very good.

I don't know why God is throwing all this stuff at me right now, I really don't. I feel like giving up and running away. But what would that solve?

Exactly.

NOTHING.

I don't want to go into detail, but my faith and perseverance is being tested so hard right now. It hurts to be told several things by someone and then have that person basically forget everything they have said, and live however they want to. It really, really hurts.

"To be wronged is nothing unless you continue to remember it." -Confucius

I feel betrayed.

I'm hurt.

I just want to cry. And I almost did on the drive home tonight. But I kept it together because I didn't want B asking questions when I got inside.

I need a lot of prayer and good vibes. I want to come out of this with flying colors and be able to share my experience with other people. I don't want to give in to this test, run away, and ultimately fail. No, I'm better than that.

"The human spirit is stronger than anything that can happen to it." - C.C. Scott

It's just that some people (actually...one person) really need to be beat upside the head to get the message. And even then? I still don't know if the message would get through the darned thick skull.

(In other news, I cut off a foot of my hair today. It feels weird.)

"When the world says 'give up,' hope whispers, 'Try it one more time.'" -Unknown

~worst day ever!

I was off work today, but let me tell you I would have much rather been working ALL day. It would have saved me a lot of tears and I-wish-I-could-just-die-right-now thoughts. Here's a brief rundown:

7:15 Got abruptly awakened when Gracie was carried downstairs, my alarm wasn't set until 7:30 am because she's been sleeping until then as of late.
9:00 Leave for Winston with mom, Dixie, and Gracie. Yawn the entire way there, freeze because the air is on (why?!), and listen to Gracie fuss the whole time.
9:45 Arrive in Winston at the medical center, go wait while mom gets radiation.
10:30 Get to David's Bridal only to find they're not open yet, so we head next store to the jewelry store, and...
10:40 Purchase two wedding bands for Barry and I (he got a plain dark Tungsten band and I got a diamond inlaid something). I was approved for $4,100 worth of credit, and ended up purchasing these rings, pushing us into debt by $795. WHAT THE %^&@ DID I DO THAT FOR? Oh yeah, because I tend to make split second decisions and don't think about the consequences. We ended up getting a payment plan; no interest for six months then it jumps up to 23.9%. *HEADDESK*
11:10 Head back to David's Bridal, where I'm next very rudely dealt with by the pregnant saleswoman. I explained how I wanted to return two things and exchange something else, but NO. Definitely can't do that. "It's posted all over our store, ma'm." Actually, no it's not. And your associates failed to explain that to me when my dress and it's $400 worth of accessories was purchased. I walk out with the same dress, veil, slip, corset, and DEBT I had before. So much for trying to consolidate bills.
2:00 Get back in town after stopping for lunch at the mall.
3:00 Head out to run errands where I'm informed that my Medicaid will NOT cover the Gardasil shot I received Monday, OR the office visit. I break down in tears upon hearing this. Why has today been so horrible with MONEY?

While I'm dealing with all this, I'm also dealing with the fact that I could possibly be having another reaction to NuvaRing, which I dealt with about a month ago. I've been having the hardest time finding good, hormonal birth control that won't affect me in negative ways. Last time I tried the ring I felt like I was going to die, no exaggeration. I've had it in for about 16 hours now and I'm still feeling good, so we'll see if I continue to feel this way. Whatever happens, I do not want babies within the year, and I'm not willing to use any "other" methods of protection which are sold in gas stations, if you get what I'm saying.

So, I had to tell BJ about my little purchase today; I couldn't keep it a secret. I started off with, "Okay...I did something bad today and I have to tell you." #1 Rule: NEVER start off a conversation like that. Ever. #2 Rule: Make sure he's in a good mood before proceeding. Actually, #1 and #2 should be switched.

But anyway, he was in a good mood and didn't react badly when I told him I just racked up eight hundred more dollars of bills. He seemed more concerned with how soon we can have the rings and if his ring was manly or not.

So there you have it. It was just a sucky day. I did recieve word that our apartment can be ready in two weeks, which means that I'll be married in about three. Thank God. I need that. I just want to curl up with him on the couch, in our tiny apartment, with hardly any food, in the dark (well, we'll have power, we're just going to try to conserve as much as possible)and just laugh with each other. And then fall asleep and wake up and do it all over again.