a pity party.

Every night around this time I seem to have a pity party for myself. Why? I'm not sure, exactly. I guess because what's happening in my life right now is something I've never experienced. The fact that thousands of women have been through this exact thing before doesn't seem to comfort me the way that it should.

Everything reminds me of him. I know I sound ridiculous, but it's true. I have my iTunes on shuffle but every song haunts me and makes me miss him even more, so I skip it. Well, that doesn't work because then another song comes up (I have included the offending playlist for your listening pleasure). Some songs are really dumb or strange but for whatever reason they trigger my memory. Example, Lady Gaga Bad Romance ... oh my gosh. I was dancing around to that song in the bedroom one night and apparently he was spying on me the whole time with his camera. I was mortified.

I had some pictures developed the day after he left, and I keep going upstairs to look at my favorite one of us.
That one. We aren't the most affectionate couple, but man, I want to hug him right now and not let go. I want a kiss. To hold hands. Something.

I know I shouldn't complain, military wives are no strangers to lonely nights, waiting for letters/phone calls, none of it. They put up with so much and have endured it for so long. I want to be as strong as all of you. I know it takes time, and maybe I'm just so miserable because this is the first time we have EVER been apart; I have seen him every single day (minus one when I had mono) since I MET him. Since March 2009.

Everyone always asks, "So how are you doing?" and I don't want to talk to them because I don't want to talk about how I'm really doing. People come up and give me a hug and some "comforting" words but I don't like that; I don't want to hear it. I don't want a hug.

I just need to remember what the Gunny Sgt. (is that right?) told B (and me, I suppose) as we were saying goodbye, and I was getting tears all over his shirt: "Just remember what you're doing this for. Remember why you enlisted. Think about your future. You're doing it for you, your wife, your future family. Yes, it will be hard as hell, but keep going. Do not give up, you can make it. Just always remember why you're doing this." That makes me feel better every time I think about it.

In other news, sometime next week I have to go to the biiiig city and get my military ID card. What exactly will this be for? Besides TriCare. Will I be able to get military discounts on things even if B is not here? And when does TriCare start; is it after bootcamp? I know I can ask a recruiter/someone about this, but maybe you guys will answer before I call him.

Sorry for the huge vent! It's nice to let it all out. Now, time for some Conan, (who also reminds me of B; we used to watch it every night), who is so not as funny as he used to be, and some Half Baked.